Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve

I thought a blog poem would be the most appropriate way to start off the New Year:


Bad Decisions
a poem by Eric T. Dunlap


The morning started normal, of course I was running late.
Fighting traffic and my cell phone, weaving down the interstate.
Traffic cams are flashing, going eighty in a fifty-five.
with only 1 minute to spare, into my seat I quickly dive.
Going through the motions, Anticipating what's to come.
Just me and the boys, going out for some New Year's fun.
Watching that clock, slowly tick till five.
After being dead for 8 hours, I am ready to be alive.
Hop in my ride, down the road I go.
Singing at the top of my lungs, with Craig Morgan on the radio.

I am going to make, some bad decisions tonight,
With too many beers and too many cheers a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas,
So let's finish this bottle of Jack and see where this night takes us.

We head to the bar, thankful it's not far.
Cause we all are already, way too drunk to go near a car.
We head on in, and find us a good seat.
Order up a round of beers, and 4 patrons neat.
Then I see her, like a unicorn in the wood.
Sitting all alone in the corner, and damn does she look good.
Some men like cars, high tech toys or widgets.
But my Achilles heel, is overweight midgets.
So I slowly stroll up, and sit at her side.
Peeking down her top, and at her little exposed thigh.

I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.

With too many beers, and too many cheers a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed to Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack and see where this night takes us.


She turns to me, and says "what are you looking at"
Only thing I could think to say, was "your a midget, we should hook up....and your fat"
It took a second, for her to register what I said.
Then she told me she couldn't have sex, but would give me head.
Now I was the one, sitting there in shock.
Walked with her to the back alley, ready to rock.
And to my dismay, there were 8 littles lying in wait.
Using the chick from Total Recall, as little midget bait.
They came at me like ninjas, little beety eyes of coal.
I busted a bottle, and told these dwarfs "let's roll"


I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.
With too many beers and too many cheers, a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack, and see where this night takes us.


After the scuffle, 7 tiny bodies lay down.
There was just one left, that I have yet to put into the ground.
So I told the Total Recall girl, that this has gone too far.
Can't we just be friends, and go back into the bar.
She said they made her do it, it was initiation into their gang.
I went to give her a hug, and she chived me in my jugular vein.
I grabbed my neck, hit the ground and on the verge of death.
She asked is their anything, I would like to say with my last breath


I managed to stammer out:


Me: Knock Knock
Her: Who's There?
Me: A midget
Her: A midget who?
Me: A midget who couldn't reach the door bell :)


Me: And do you know why Midgets are always thirsty?
Her: Why?
Me: Because water fountains are designed for humans :)


Me: And what do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard-on?
Her: What?
Me: A Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit:)


I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.
With too many beers and too many cheers, a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack, and see where this night takes us.



Disclaimer:

I apologize to all who read this. You are now closer to death than you were before reading this. I am sincerely sorry about actually making you dumber for reading this and wasting your time. I also regret to inform you that this was not nearly as funny as it should have been. I wanted to include much more but simply went down the wrong path. You should take solice in the fact that it may have robbed you of a few minutes of productive time, but it took me almost three hours. If you put it to a country tune it does sound a little better. If I figure a way to record it tonight, I will post it. Thanks be to God, and go in peace.



















Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's Eve Eve

A letter to an Old Friend:

Hello old friend, it has been a while since we last spoke. I would like to apologize for not writing you sooner, but you see I am extremely lazy. Today is New Year's Eve Eve and I picked today to write you because of its significance to the Mayan Calender. If you recall the last time we spoke was two Solstices ago. I know how important archeoastronomy is to you so I choose this day when the Sun is in the 7Th house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars to write you. How is the family doing? Please send my regards to you and yours and I will convey the same to me and mine. Have you given anymore thought to coming to visit this summer. We spent all last summer fixing the cabin and would love to have you down for a few months. Well I am sorry to cut this letter short but I am now leaving on a jet plane and do not know when I will be back again. Happy New Year's Eve Eve my old friend.




Response from an Old Friend:

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, now go fuck yourself!