Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Year's Eve

I thought a blog poem would be the most appropriate way to start off the New Year:

Bad Decisions
a poem by Eric T. Dunlap

The morning started normal, of course I was running late.
Fighting traffic and my cell phone, weaving down the interstate.
Traffic cams are flashing, going eighty in a fifty-five.
with only 1 minute to spare, into my seat I quickly dive.
Going through the motions, Anticipating what's to come.
Just me and the boys, going out for some New Year's fun.
Watching that clock, slowly tick till five.
After being dead for 8 hours, I am ready to be alive.
Hop in my ride, down the road I go.
Singing at the top of my lungs, with Craig Morgan on the radio.

I am going to make, some bad decisions tonight,
With too many beers and too many cheers a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas,
So let's finish this bottle of Jack and see where this night takes us.

We head to the bar, thankful it's not far.
Cause we all are already, way too drunk to go near a car.
We head on in, and find us a good seat.
Order up a round of beers, and 4 patrons neat.
Then I see her, like a unicorn in the wood.
Sitting all alone in the corner, and damn does she look good.
Some men like cars, high tech toys or widgets.
But my Achilles heel, is overweight midgets.
So I slowly stroll up, and sit at her side.
Peeking down her top, and at her little exposed thigh.

I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.

With too many beers, and too many cheers a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed to Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack and see where this night takes us.

She turns to me, and says "what are you looking at"
Only thing I could think to say, was "your a midget, we should hook up....and your fat"
It took a second, for her to register what I said.
Then she told me she couldn't have sex, but would give me head.
Now I was the one, sitting there in shock.
Walked with her to the back alley, ready to rock.
And to my dismay, there were 8 littles lying in wait.
Using the chick from Total Recall, as little midget bait.
They came at me like ninjas, little beety eyes of coal.
I busted a bottle, and told these dwarfs "let's roll"

I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.
With too many beers and too many cheers, a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack, and see where this night takes us.

After the scuffle, 7 tiny bodies lay down.
There was just one left, that I have yet to put into the ground.
So I told the Total Recall girl, that this has gone too far.
Can't we just be friends, and go back into the bar.
She said they made her do it, it was initiation into their gang.
I went to give her a hug, and she chived me in my jugular vein.
I grabbed my neck, hit the ground and on the verge of death.
She asked is their anything, I would like to say with my last breath

I managed to stammer out:

Me: Knock Knock
Her: Who's There?
Me: A midget
Her: A midget who?
Me: A midget who couldn't reach the door bell :)

Me: And do you know why Midgets are always thirsty?
Her: Why?
Me: Because water fountains are designed for humans :)

Me: And what do you call a dwarf Eskimo with a hard-on?
Her: What?
Me: A Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit:)

I'm going to make, some bad decisions tonight.
With too many beers and too many cheers, a fight might just feel right.
I will cry some tears, for my wife who is headed for Vegas.
So let's finish this bottle of Jack, and see where this night takes us.


I apologize to all who read this. You are now closer to death than you were before reading this. I am sincerely sorry about actually making you dumber for reading this and wasting your time. I also regret to inform you that this was not nearly as funny as it should have been. I wanted to include much more but simply went down the wrong path. You should take solice in the fact that it may have robbed you of a few minutes of productive time, but it took me almost three hours. If you put it to a country tune it does sound a little better. If I figure a way to record it tonight, I will post it. Thanks be to God, and go in peace.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's Eve Eve

A letter to an Old Friend:

Hello old friend, it has been a while since we last spoke. I would like to apologize for not writing you sooner, but you see I am extremely lazy. Today is New Year's Eve Eve and I picked today to write you because of its significance to the Mayan Calender. If you recall the last time we spoke was two Solstices ago. I know how important archeoastronomy is to you so I choose this day when the Sun is in the 7Th house and Jupiter is aligned with Mars to write you. How is the family doing? Please send my regards to you and yours and I will convey the same to me and mine. Have you given anymore thought to coming to visit this summer. We spent all last summer fixing the cabin and would love to have you down for a few months. Well I am sorry to cut this letter short but I am now leaving on a jet plane and do not know when I will be back again. Happy New Year's Eve Eve my old friend.

Response from an Old Friend:

Happy New Year's Eve Eve, now go fuck yourself!

Friday, April 17, 2009

It has been way to long...

So blogging is a bit harder than initially expected. Hi my name is Eric and it has been 12 (or so) days since my last blog {in unison, Hello Eric}. I just want to send a shout out to those dedicated bloggers that make it a daily routine to keep me entertained. It is really hard to be consistantly funny and entertaing even though I know that is not what blogging is all about. I apologize to my loyal fans that I have really been slacking but I promise I will make it up to you.

My only excuse as of late, to why I haven't posted is because recently my fadja, (wife talk for father) and my 14 year old sister came for a visit over Easter weekend. It was the same ol' same ol' family stuff and we really had a good time minus one incident which I thought I could drink a water bottle full of vodka and lemonade at the pool and still be coheret for a dinner with my brother's fiance's luck would have it her family is awesome and I sobered up before making a complete "butt" of myself.

Easter dinner at Megan's (my brother's fiance) family's house was a blast. Picture 15+ adults drinking, eating, conversing, and going on an Easter egg hunt. Sounds corny but it was really fun, especially since each Easter egg had a dollar in it. Now throw in an awesome Grandma (I still don't know her real name, she only goes by and introduces herself as "Grandma") and a horse named Diva roaming the yard, some great food and there you have it a wonderful Easter.

I know I am rambling a bit, but I have heard my last post was a bit lengthy so I am shorting this one up a bit to make my readership happy. Fast forward to poker night, (thanks again Jose and Erin), and Woo Hoo I took second place..Not sure yet what I will do with the 30 bucks, but I'm sure the wife has some ideas.

Which brings me to the Jerry Springer like final thought...I want to open a pawn take care of your self and each other.....Goodnight!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Pool Partay

It is saturday and the wife and I are heading to my brother's and his fiance's crib for a pool party. I am super excited to squeeze into my tiny bathing suit and show off my sexy curves and vampire like pale skin. {A tune comes to mind...(Singing) Blinded by the white. (Get it? Instead of blinded by the light, I sang blinded by the white...cause I am really white...get it?} At least most of our friends will be there so it should be fun.

My head still hurts from Maker's Mark, Fencing, and Chinese Food last night, so a day under the sun is just what the doctor ordered...Until next time...Go do something stupid:)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Poker Night

I wanted to thank all of those who responded to my first post you are truly first class and I hope this post doesn't scare you off...

What do you get when you combine 6 guys, 3 quick trip pizzas, about 40 beers, and a deck of cards??? That's right: POKER NIGHT.

Yesterday I decided to go meet up with my buddy Jose and his friend Aaron after work and before going to poker night with the guys. We did the usual stuff that you do when you are waiting to drink, we drank and made up games...We did do at least one thing productive, we re-hung a curtain for his wife and rewarded ourselves with you guessed it more beer. The three of us drank and played (rocks) this consists of throwing rocks at random objects and if the other person can't hit the same thing you did then they get a letter (instead of pig or horse we played BEER) and you may have guessed it they have to drink. The most creative shot I came up with it was you throw the rock from behind your back and have to kick it into the fence. When we got bored playing with rocks, we decided to play caps and continued drinking till we headed down the street to Andy's house.

As we entered the house we were greeted warmly by Andy and Andy's fiance Kim, and then quickly retreated into the "Man Cave". The "Man Cave" acts as a garage during the day and a small slice of heaven during poker night. the "Man Cave" is outfitted with a full size fridge for "all sorts of a soda and stuff" a long table, a soccer ball, lawn mower, and later at least one gun. There were six of us that played: Two guys that have not played that much, a guy built like the Governor of CA, Andy, Aaron, Jose and myself. Anyone that plays poker knows there are several things that are inevitably going to happen when playing with people that have never played. 1 they are going to stay in a hand they shouldn't and beat you, 2 they are going turn over what they think is a losing hand pronounce that you win and someone else will notice that actually they are the winner and they newbie takes the chips from you. Overall poker night was fun, which leads me to the stupidest thing i did that day.

My buddy Andy, my new friend Aaron, and misc. others that won't be mentioned to protect them from "wife recourse" all engaged in an act that is in my opinion not a flattering one. They on occasion dip, chew, snuff, spit whatever you wanna call it they put chewing tobacco in their mouth and suck on it and spit the juice into a cup which looks like it has feces and water in it by the time you are done. Now I'm not putting down the use of this product, but if you have ever seen someone do it or do it yourself you have to admit it is disgusting. So after many times of watching others do it I decided that I wanted to try it and what better night than at poker night. So i took a pinch out of the skoal can pulled my bottom lip out and jammed it between my lip and gum. After almost losing my lunch, dinner, and a gallon of beer onto the poker table I was told not to swallow and how to control the dip so that the loose tobacco didn't get into the rest of my mouth...So now I have a pinch of skoal in my lip and my gag produced a nice size loogie mixed with the juice of the tobacco it was time for the next part of the ritual spitting into your very own spit cup. Andy being an experienced although not constant dipper made me a cup: A small clear plastic cup with a paper towel in the bottom. I spit and it slowly slid down the side of the cup just as disgusting as it sounds it looked. Then came the burn....If you read my first post you know I had a bit of a fencing accident where i was stabbed in the mouth with a foil resulting in two cut lips and a cut inside my mouth. Well the saliva mixed with the chew quickly found these openings and if you have felt peroxide on a cut you can imagine how it felt, but being with a group of tough guys I didn't flinch and went about experiencing my first dip. Surprisingly after the burn came the payoff...I felt light headed in a good way though (I can see the appeal) after a few minutes of this cozy feeling, I focused on the taste. The taste was minty not great but not unbearable. I continued to spit, drink, and play poker (basically everything a guy could ask for). After a few more minutes it was time to spit the entire lump of dip into the cup. This was the nastiest and of course the part I enjoyed the most as I scooped it out of my gums with my tongue and spit/drooled/dropped the chew and built up saliva into my cup (and now I didn't do this gracefully). My first chew experience was over as quickly has it began. Overall I would say that my time as a chewer, was not Utopian but it was also surprisingly not horrible. Would I do it again? Most likely not, but maybe. Am glad I tried it and can check it off my list of things to try? Sure why not. Poker night wound down and of course the new guy that had only played once before won. There was one bright side to chew (which I do not advocate using) which I neglected to mention and that is I didn't drink nearly as much when the chew was in my mouth as I would have otherwise.

So to summarize I spent April Fools Day: Playing with rocks, drinking beer, spitting into a cup, playing poker, and hanging out with a motley crew of manly company (what more could a guy wish for). Thank you Andy (and Kim) for being awesome hosts and providing the snuff.

I know this was sort of a gross post but hey, it is what it is and just so you all know I finished this post on the throne while doing manly things....hahahahahahahahahahaha

Until next time...Don't be afraid to do something stupid!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

To Blog or Not to Blog...

So today is the day! Today started like any other....I woke up, exercised, made my wife breakfast in bed, took a walk on the beach, took the Lamborghini to work...{WAIT} That is my fantasy life. In reality I woke up, showered, had a diet Dr. Pepper for breakfast, kissed the wife and headed off in our soccer mom ride. So while today started like most, I knew today would be the day that I would do something that would change my life forever. Little did I know that I would actually embark on two separate endeavours that would not only change my life but that of countless others on the same day.

If you are reading this you already know the 1st thing that I finally decided to do: Blog! I have been wanting to do it for a while, but like many things was simply to lazy to actually get going. So i want to thank several people for making this possible...My mom and dad (they had me), Kelli (the wife), Erin (blogger extraordinaire), Brian (Inspiration for 1st blog), and all the other people I call friends, which I will get to as the blogging continues.

The 2nd endeavour is the subject of this, my first blog. When you hear the letters D-T-F, what comes to mind? These letters uttered one evening in cooperation with an Asian friend of mine Brian finding fencing foils online lead to the birth of a new passion: FENCING. D-T-F is an acronym for Down to Fence, this is also the the unofficial name of our newly formed fencing club. Fast forward a few weeks...the foils (swords) are in. DTF currently consist of myself and three brothers. We begin practice by emulating what we've seen on tv, movies, etc...simply swatting at each other and trying to defend from each others strikes. As the sun fades behind the mountains, we duel, look at fencing articles online, videos on YouTube (yeah we are kinda nerdy), and decide we should find which among us contains the most skill....or luck. So Brian and I are dueling for 1st and 2nd place and Brian with ninja like stamina and agility makes a lunge forward and parts my lips with the tip of his foil inserting the tip all the way to the back of my mouth landing the tip against my molar and whatever the space between your top and bottom teeth are called. As he quickly withdrew his blood soaked (well this might be an exaggeration) sword, I proclaimed myself to be the winner (we had deemed head shots as an automatic disqualifier) and spit blood onto their concrete fence and then quickly tried to wipe it off. I get home anxious to show the wife my two cut lips and gash inside my mouth and she very simply says "you guys are idiots"....I guess reflecting back, it was the dumbest thing i did that day.......At least until next week I'm still number 1!!!

So that is it: We came, We fenced, and We found a new passion.

DTF Members: Eric (me), John (asian), Brian (master stabber), and David ("cool" college guy and challenged me at the end of practice, and lost also as I recall the first to use the phrase DTF, even if not referring to fencing)

More to come about life, rapping, fencing, marriage, poker, and other stupid stuff that I do and love.